I don’t see myself ever sharing this blog past this site. It probably won’t be helpful to very many people. But, to be very blunt, that wasn’t the point of this blog site to begin with. The point was to have an outlet for myself, to get things out of my head in order to heal. Thankfully, this blog has done that for me times ten! And truthfully, if anyone else has come along for the ride and has been uplifted, that is just an incredible bonus! And I am humbled God would choose to use it for such a reason.
Being completely raw, being at home this long during our time of social distancing has had lots of ups and downs for me. I was definitely not cut out to be a homeschooling, stay at home mom. No offense to those people who excel at these talents, it is just not me.
My kids drive me nuts, more than I would like to admit. It’s not them, it’s me. I am impatient. Even now as I write, a child comes bursting into the room where I am literally hiding. Don’t worry, my kids are teenagers, they’re fine by themselves for a bit.
Now, here comes a dog, whom I guarantee, will be followed by my husband. Yep, I called it.
And while I am so very grateful for my beautiful family, my children and my husband are amazing humans, I’m gonna be honest here, don’t judge, but I need my space. Badly.
Couple that with some ex-church related Facebook posts, and I am about to go off the deep end over here. Usually, now a days, I can just scroll right past the crazy, and not think twice about it, but this week? It is all just making me, nothing but angry. I told you I was going to be raw in this one.
I have successfully left a legalistic cult, passed my EMDR therapy for my PTSD, gotten off of my anxiety medication, and built an entire new social life from the ground up in the past four years and this week, I feel like I have taken two giant steps backwards.
I am really not going for a pity party here, I truly am so very thankful for all of my blessings, but I am angry at myself for my feelings, which I know isn’t good.
Something has to give. Something has to change. I know that something is me. And I will work on it. Just probably not today.
Today, I am just angry.