Small Victories=Big Expectations

Guys! The holidays are over! It is now 2019, I just had to change my age in my bio, and I’m not going to lie, I feel old!

I am typing this, as I sit at a tire and lube shop waiting for my child’s tire to be replaced. Of course, after a crazy day at work and us still recouping holiday money, she runs over a piece of metal and demolished her brand new tire. Thankfully, she was near my office and pulled in without incident, but this is my life. Literally always something!

I mentioned in my bio before I even began writing this blog, that my life is crazy, and chaotic. This statement could not be more true in the last month or two.

My husband and I have been endeavoring to finish a room in our basement. This has been an adventure! Though I must say, I am so very proud of us, we haven’t fought at all! We usually do not work well together. Sometimes, I tend to be a little high strung. Maybe…

Today, I came to the realization, with how busy life has been recently, I haven’t had the time to get stuck in my own head and think any deep thoughts. Thank God! While I am physically exhausted, I must say, this is a welcomed brain break. I had been functioning so long with my emotional tank on empty, and honestly I didn’t think it was possible for my brain to relax. Maybe healing is finally on it’s way?

I tried to see a therapist a few weeks ago. It just seemed too awkward and I found it difficult to explain the exact issues I was experiencing. I mean really, if you haven’t experienced church hurt yourself and the complex anxiety that comes along with it, how can you give advice to someone as to how to deal with it? I haven’t decided just yet if I am going to continue to pursue that route. I am worried after life goes back to somewhat of a routine, the kids going back to school and finishing our renovation project, my mind will once again begin it’s torment. So I may, who knows.

She did say something, however, that stuck with me. She wanted me to come up with ten positive words to describe myself. Immediately that became a trigger for me and I started to feel emotional. There is absolutely no way I could come up with ten attributes about myself I actually like or am proud of. Something so silly, why on earth can’t I do that? It dawned on me how low my self-esteem clearly is. Which again, why?

Random thoughts on this issue: maybe because I’ve been engrained it is prideful to be confident in yourself. In the UPC, pride was referenced a lot to address women and their clothing choices or their restrictions on makeup and nail polish. So in other words, anything that makes you feel pretty is sin. Maybe it’s because in that religion you never feel as if you can measure up to the high expectations that you are expected to achieve, so you frequently feel like a failure. Maybe it is because I have always had to maintain an image of “Pentecostal perfection” on the outside even though I was hurting on the inside, which seems to cause a disconnect between your actual soul and outward appearance. Maybe I should go see that therapist again huh?

Other than this one minor emotional setback, I feel like I am finally headed toward a good place! (Is a happy dance too premature?) I am encouraged by my entire family’s progress toward spiritual freedom and can’t wait to see what this year has in store for us!

Bring it on 2019!

One thought on “Small Victories=Big Expectations

  1. You will do just fine you are strong enough to make it.
    Bless you dear we will keep praying for you it does take time to heal the hurt you have been threw god will help because he help me.

    Liked by 1 person

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